people

ahhh people. strange creatures. i've realised a lot about people, humanity, and friendship over the past half a year. met a lot of people, cultivated a few closer friendships which i've relied on for support... you might be wondering why i'm reflecting on this now, when most are probably still over the moon about their A levels. results are results, they're nice to look at, really nice. but results aren't the alpha and the omega, the be-all and end-all; B's and C's don't make you any less a person, any more than straight A's can save a complete asswipe. even a couple of years from now, no one will care about what grades you got; they're just a few letters thrown up by the singapore-cambridge slot machine of fate; they don't make the person. this is what i feel - i don't deal in empty platitudes.

so here goes... i take a long, long time to warm to people. making friends, talking cock, getting along - these are skills i've not learnt. i make new friends in years, not days or weeks. i'm severely introverted as you'd know. and so throwing me into a new environment with few people i know is bound to throw me out of kilter.

naturally over the last few weeks i've hardly made any new friends. and pissed off a lot of people. i don't suffer fools gladly; and as my definition of fools is wide enough to include myself most days, you can see how that would lead to a whole lot of trouble. i know my sharp tongue and sarcasm has rubbed many people up the wrong way. and of course, i'm under no illusions as to the state of my image in the platoon, or indeed my chances of getting into OCS or anything. (of course i should explain: OCS and - at a stretch - SISPEC are about the only things really worth hoping for in army life, so that your 2 years aren't a complete waste.)

i'm not the type of person who can collect friends like hidden corners collect dust bunnies (like david, for instance) - not that that's a sin! i'm not easy to get along with, and introversion, quietness and keeping to yourself can often be mistaken for arrogance or pride, especially in an rj guy who's never really learnt to get along. basically, to put it very mildly, most of my casual acquaintances think i'm an arsehole. i know many of my classmates in RI and my section in SNYO would have thought that at the start. it's sad, but it's the reality and i'm resigned to it. it's my character and i won't make excuses for who i am.

still... i hope - i'd like to believe, that is - that the friends who know me well, do appreciate me for being the person that i am. for using the word asswipe almost as a term of endearment. for my endless, biting wit cold as a siberian chill. for my pedantry. for obsessively collecting useless knowledge. maybe even for prefering to spend time with books and music than with people. and for showing my friendship in the way that i do, in the only way i know and understand.

i've made very very few good friends. but i suppose i make up in depth what i lack in breadth; i treat them like the siblings i never had - i hope they (you?) feel that way. and when the time comes and they need me, i try my best to repay the favour. i hope over the past couple of days i've done my little bit to help someone sort out his life, when he's done lots to help me out in mine... does that make me a better person in your estimation? and either way, do i care? not very much actually, no.

but yes, i think i'll die happy if i manage to turn a person's life around, for the better. just one, any one, any time in my life. if i can give someone something to live for, to dream about. that honour isn't something you get every day. and when you get the chance you don't - musn't - screw up; if you do it's your own chance you're giving up, it's your chance to prove that you belong up in the ranks with the great do-gooders like Charles Dickens, Florence Nightingale, Oskar Schindler, St. Patrick... it's your chance to earn the right to be called human.

and the rest of us mere mortals can take a flying jump for all i care, because when it comes down to the things that really matter we're worth less than the dust we step on. maybe a bit harsh, but that's what i think.