can't be arsed

Ok I haven't updated for ages, but I really can't be bothered to do a proper post or rant or anything like that. I've been swamped with an overwhelming 'who gives a shit' feeling. I didn't have a spectacularly bad week or anything, just that I don't have any sense of purpose at all at my workplace. Every day I feel a renewed sense of the truth of Tennyson's words

Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die

and that feeling kinda sucks.

I've discovered Phish and they are a level of awesome in themselves!

In other news I've been going regularly for some sunday rehearsals - Brahms' 1st Symphony, Wagner's Meistersingers Overture and the Lalo Thing - which is a welcome change from the mindless office tedium. I had some misgivings about leading the section; after all I'm new there, not exactly nice to parachute in. But then again Brahms is a nightmare, and even the Lalo Thing has rhythm issues to address. For instance: triplets are always slower than they seem, and it's quite difficult to get that across.

I like the sense of guiding them along through the piece, and bringing out the nuances and contrasts of articulation and all that. It's rather anal, but there are so many factors that make a good sound. Just consider the bowing technique: the particular angle that the bow strikes the string, the speed of the bow stroke - slow: heavy; fast: light - the length of bow used, even the finish - uplift gives it a nice crisp sound. And all that takes some experience. It is immodest, but I've played in orchestras for years and there are things you discover in that time. There're young players to guide and it's always rewarding when you cobble a section together.

There's also that SYFO business, playing the Brahms Violin Concerto, Hindemith's Symphonic Metamorphoses and the Tchaik 1812 Overture. Different kettle of fish, many players who're much more inexperienced and lots more work to be done. I'm tempted to ask to take the sectionals, because the times when I was in their shoes are still fresh in my mind, and again there's a great opportunity to guide and shape their approach to the music. And Brahms again! Fascinating work, bursting with energy. And you can't play everything the same; there are notes, and then there are notes. Again, nuances and contrasts to emphasise. But first they need to practise!

Problem is I'm getting into a kind of rut; there's so much music in my life, to the exclusion of other things. I would like to do other stuff, maybe start a poetry or literature group (public readings!) and of course I need to get back up to speed on maths and economics. All that while making sure I still can pass IPPT gah.

There are some precious few insane people out there who can do all those things with ease; I'm really not one of them, although it might look like it sometimes. It's really taken me an awful lot of effort. But one thing I will not stand for is to accept mediocrity, the acceptance of the substandard. It will just take time and patience, but I've got to escape mediocrity.