Existential angst

I know that isn't the term for it. I'm so bored but I don't want to start doing homework. It isn't froody. But I don't know what else to do. So I'm writing fake commonwealth essays.

This is the first of my fake commonwealth essays. The topic is "I live in the Commonwealth. Let me introduce you to my family..."

I live in the Commonwealth. Let me introduce you to my family...’s collection of odd furniture. (Author’s note: did they say we had to talk about people?) I have a large conductor-shaped flowerpot. It’s been in the family for so long it counts as one of us. Made in China of china, it nevertheless has a design more akin to the tribal totems of the Lake Bennett aborigines in Australia. It is covered in pale Japanese words, which we understand from an antiques collector to be vulgarities aimed primarily at lawyers and Microsoft. However, a second opinion from a student of the peculiar Quechua tongue was sought some years back. According to him, Quechua is a colour-specific language – which means that in writing, words in red have different meanings from words in green, or neon pink, or those written in blood. Further, Quechua is also medium-specific – meaning that words written on lavatory walls have different meanings from those tattooed on a person’s back. He believes that the words read

These are the numbers of pi, to the 10000th place, calculated by Bob at Wieringermeer, AD 1337

This would make the pot extremely valuable, except that the ‘numbers’ read “3.14159 McDonald's Corporation operates more than 31,000 quick-service restaurant businesses under the McDonald's brand, in 121 countries around the…” and continue in much the same vein, pausing only to compare the McSpicy with KFC's Zinger. Right now the pot costs $5.45, but you can add 50 cents for an upsized bunch of flowers and ultra-funky watering can (they call it moisturiser).