death/wake/funeral/sispec (wk1?)
i've reached some semblance of closure. funeral mass, going to the crematorium, forcing myself through every hail mary in the rosary while the coffin was getting wheeled into the furnace... i guess going through all the rituals did help. some of the prayer services each night were pure hell to get through though.
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most old people die of pneumonia, like my grandmother back in 1999 (i think). my dad didn't. on the cert it says "metastatic colon carcinoma" - colon cancer that'd spread. most of his body was still functioning, just that his digestive system wasn't any more, and i guess he felt it was time to pack it in and leave. his pulse just slipped away in the middle of his sleep.
how true it is that the dying often have one final burst of lucidity, they get to see everyone, reassure all their family that everything's going to be fine, and then they leave them. that's exactly what my dad did, i guess, although i'm not sure if it was all up to him. joking with the nurses on sunday too... told adrian's father-in-law that he wanted a carlsberg heh. we really thought everything was going to be fine when we left him on sunday night; maybe that's what he intended. it's what he would have wanted, us not to worry, to go home and rest, to believe that everything would be fine. he was always telling everyone he'd have 5 more good years; i think that was typical of him.
thank goodness adrian managed to rush home in time; he's been a great support and well, a brother to look up to. this must be the 4th time i'm seeing him in the last 10 years, but i guess we've been through a lot these few days and drawn closer. will miss him.
and thank you very, very much to those people who smsed and called, to those offered to come, and to those who actually got the location of the wake and managed to come. your support's helped me to move on. please don't misunderstand me, i did want to keep it private and quiet (my dad's wishes were for it to be "simple"), to have my own time to myself and my family, and i didn't want people to take the trouble to come. i'm sure papa would have protested too; he never wanted to impose on others. but thank you for your time and your thoughts.
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Death
ok i'll try to do this chronologically.
Monday
~4:40am - got up, groaned inwardly, dug out my hp batt to change and charge (heard it might be a 2-wk confinement so didn't want to take chances). i think i might have filled up the electric kettle. these details might or might not be significant.
~4:50am - crawled into bed with me mom (taking my dad's place). she was alr awake, we talked abit bout how we were relieved that my dad was much better and might be discharged.
5:18am - my mom got a phonecall from SGH telling us that his pulse rate was 48 and falling, and asking us to come immediately. couldn't quite believe it; i still insisted on changing into my uniform in case it was a false alarm and i had to report to camp.
5:22am - time of death. although we didn't know at the time
~5:45am - my brother Adrian arrived.
~5:55am - we arrived. i stayed behind at the car a little while to grab the contact numbers for camp and all that, while my mom rushed ahead. when i got to the bed a couple of minutes later, if not for adrian and my mom crying by the bedside, i wouldn't have known he'd left us, he really looked exactly like he was sleeping. it didn't register for maybe 10 seconds, till i saw the ECG. i won't dwell on it; it's difficult.
from then on things are pretty much a blur. lots of crying, phonecalls to undertakers, casket companies, relatives, camp... collecting the death cert at 8am... reaching the funeral home about 9:30am i think... meeting my 1st aunt and 2nd uncle (on my mom's side) on the way (we'd mobilised them)... going home with my uncle to change... manic breakfast... setting up at st. stephen's church for the wake... going to the church of our lady of perpetual succour (OLPS) to get the niche... returning for the wake... my mom and adrian contacting a whole lot of people (this noob, sadly, didn't have very much of a role in arranging things. i've always been looked upon as the kiddo, and i guess that hasn't helped me much).
-----
Wake - I'm abandoning all efforts to make this chronological, and focus on the main stuff. i was pretty emotional on the first day. cried a lot in hospital, at the wake, when my mum told me he'd be proud of me, when my bro said the suit looked perfect... emotional wreck. i couldn't take it whenever anyone referred to my childhood with my dad, or what he thought of me... he always made me out to be so much more than i really was; i still feel that the real rayner is a dim, pale shadow of what you all think of me. well at least i'm a master illusionist =] bit better on the second day, i was over the emotional hump i guess. less stuff to do and people to handle, i managed to catch up with adrian.
in between there was lots of mundane stuff... meeting relatives i'd never seen before and couldn't even figure out how to address (oh this is adrian's mother's cousin -name- and your dad's father's sister's daughter. and your mom's cousin. and your aunt's husband's sister-in-law.) getting drinks out for people. prayer services. lots of interminable ones.
-----
funeral. this was really tough. wed morn, got up early. i'd stayed up late (1:30am) to choose a song for the service, my bro's idea. ended up with Panis Angelicus (by St Thomas Aquinas, music by Cesar Franck), really beautiful thing and pretty appropriate for communion (is it called that?). got very emo (by my standards) seeing my dad for the last time. funeral mass wasn't that long, and i guess the church focuses more on hope and life after death so it didn't feel so bad. the cremation was traumatising though esp for my mom, she was really crying all the way. very, very sad for her.
had lunch and then i went with my mom, uncle (mom's youngest brother) and adrian to upper seletar to relax a bit before we went back to collect the ashes. nice peaceful place. collecting the ashes was quite the eye-opener... they give it to you pretty unceremoniously in a toyogo plastic box, and you actually have to crush the bone fragments yourself (unless you get someone else to do it, like we did - a guy from the funeral home). reality is really stranger than fiction. went back to the church (OLPS) to put the urn in the niche.
-----
lunch with mum and adrian at swensen's at j8 today. talked a lot, joked a bit, rmbered lots of little things about papa. well... it was good to have him back, him explaining all the catholic doctrine about death was a big help. i don't think i'll see him till mebbe next year if i get into an american uni and go over. but yes, a Good Bloke every which way you look at him.
-----
thanks again to all of you who sent smses and called and came down. i won't name you all it would be very odd. and very long. but it was very generous of all of you to offer your time, thoughts and prayers. a few people who helped very much: zh, where on earth would i be without you? adam, thx for your smses. jon lee, your marathon smses (10+ screens long!) are insane, but thanks so much for writing them. sumae and zm thanks for your sms hugs -hug back- =) michelle for calling and your prayer. sabby for calling from norway. david for risking a confinement and calling back from OCS at midday (!) really gotta respect his guts. seeing mr sze was a nice if unexpected touch; i guess we can put our differences behind now. so many friends and classmates who smsed, i just hope i managed to reply to all of you. thanks one last time for your support, it helped tide me over.
ok then. sleep, and sispec. big sigh.
-----
most old people die of pneumonia, like my grandmother back in 1999 (i think). my dad didn't. on the cert it says "metastatic colon carcinoma" - colon cancer that'd spread. most of his body was still functioning, just that his digestive system wasn't any more, and i guess he felt it was time to pack it in and leave. his pulse just slipped away in the middle of his sleep.
how true it is that the dying often have one final burst of lucidity, they get to see everyone, reassure all their family that everything's going to be fine, and then they leave them. that's exactly what my dad did, i guess, although i'm not sure if it was all up to him. joking with the nurses on sunday too... told adrian's father-in-law that he wanted a carlsberg heh. we really thought everything was going to be fine when we left him on sunday night; maybe that's what he intended. it's what he would have wanted, us not to worry, to go home and rest, to believe that everything would be fine. he was always telling everyone he'd have 5 more good years; i think that was typical of him.
thank goodness adrian managed to rush home in time; he's been a great support and well, a brother to look up to. this must be the 4th time i'm seeing him in the last 10 years, but i guess we've been through a lot these few days and drawn closer. will miss him.
and thank you very, very much to those people who smsed and called, to those offered to come, and to those who actually got the location of the wake and managed to come. your support's helped me to move on. please don't misunderstand me, i did want to keep it private and quiet (my dad's wishes were for it to be "simple"), to have my own time to myself and my family, and i didn't want people to take the trouble to come. i'm sure papa would have protested too; he never wanted to impose on others. but thank you for your time and your thoughts.
-----
Death
ok i'll try to do this chronologically.
Monday
~4:40am - got up, groaned inwardly, dug out my hp batt to change and charge (heard it might be a 2-wk confinement so didn't want to take chances). i think i might have filled up the electric kettle. these details might or might not be significant.
~4:50am - crawled into bed with me mom (taking my dad's place). she was alr awake, we talked abit bout how we were relieved that my dad was much better and might be discharged.
5:18am - my mom got a phonecall from SGH telling us that his pulse rate was 48 and falling, and asking us to come immediately. couldn't quite believe it; i still insisted on changing into my uniform in case it was a false alarm and i had to report to camp.
5:22am - time of death. although we didn't know at the time
~5:45am - my brother Adrian arrived.
~5:55am - we arrived. i stayed behind at the car a little while to grab the contact numbers for camp and all that, while my mom rushed ahead. when i got to the bed a couple of minutes later, if not for adrian and my mom crying by the bedside, i wouldn't have known he'd left us, he really looked exactly like he was sleeping. it didn't register for maybe 10 seconds, till i saw the ECG. i won't dwell on it; it's difficult.
from then on things are pretty much a blur. lots of crying, phonecalls to undertakers, casket companies, relatives, camp... collecting the death cert at 8am... reaching the funeral home about 9:30am i think... meeting my 1st aunt and 2nd uncle (on my mom's side) on the way (we'd mobilised them)... going home with my uncle to change... manic breakfast... setting up at st. stephen's church for the wake... going to the church of our lady of perpetual succour (OLPS) to get the niche... returning for the wake... my mom and adrian contacting a whole lot of people (this noob, sadly, didn't have very much of a role in arranging things. i've always been looked upon as the kiddo, and i guess that hasn't helped me much).
-----
Wake - I'm abandoning all efforts to make this chronological, and focus on the main stuff. i was pretty emotional on the first day. cried a lot in hospital, at the wake, when my mum told me he'd be proud of me, when my bro said the suit looked perfect... emotional wreck. i couldn't take it whenever anyone referred to my childhood with my dad, or what he thought of me... he always made me out to be so much more than i really was; i still feel that the real rayner is a dim, pale shadow of what you all think of me. well at least i'm a master illusionist =] bit better on the second day, i was over the emotional hump i guess. less stuff to do and people to handle, i managed to catch up with adrian.
in between there was lots of mundane stuff... meeting relatives i'd never seen before and couldn't even figure out how to address (oh this is adrian's mother's cousin -name- and your dad's father's sister's daughter. and your mom's cousin. and your aunt's husband's sister-in-law.) getting drinks out for people. prayer services. lots of interminable ones.
-----
funeral. this was really tough. wed morn, got up early. i'd stayed up late (1:30am) to choose a song for the service, my bro's idea. ended up with Panis Angelicus (by St Thomas Aquinas, music by Cesar Franck), really beautiful thing and pretty appropriate for communion (is it called that?). got very emo (by my standards) seeing my dad for the last time. funeral mass wasn't that long, and i guess the church focuses more on hope and life after death so it didn't feel so bad. the cremation was traumatising though esp for my mom, she was really crying all the way. very, very sad for her.
had lunch and then i went with my mom, uncle (mom's youngest brother) and adrian to upper seletar to relax a bit before we went back to collect the ashes. nice peaceful place. collecting the ashes was quite the eye-opener... they give it to you pretty unceremoniously in a toyogo plastic box, and you actually have to crush the bone fragments yourself (unless you get someone else to do it, like we did - a guy from the funeral home). reality is really stranger than fiction. went back to the church (OLPS) to put the urn in the niche.
-----
lunch with mum and adrian at swensen's at j8 today. talked a lot, joked a bit, rmbered lots of little things about papa. well... it was good to have him back, him explaining all the catholic doctrine about death was a big help. i don't think i'll see him till mebbe next year if i get into an american uni and go over. but yes, a Good Bloke every which way you look at him.
-----
thanks again to all of you who sent smses and called and came down. i won't name you all it would be very odd. and very long. but it was very generous of all of you to offer your time, thoughts and prayers. a few people who helped very much: zh, where on earth would i be without you? adam, thx for your smses. jon lee, your marathon smses (10+ screens long!) are insane, but thanks so much for writing them. sumae and zm thanks for your sms hugs -hug back- =) michelle for calling and your prayer. sabby for calling from norway. david for risking a confinement and calling back from OCS at midday (!) really gotta respect his guts. seeing mr sze was a nice if unexpected touch; i guess we can put our differences behind now. so many friends and classmates who smsed, i just hope i managed to reply to all of you. thanks one last time for your support, it helped tide me over.
ok then. sleep, and sispec. big sigh.
Labels: Life
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10:44 pm
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