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I haven't updated for quite a while. There hasn't been anything going on anyway. Quite sad, life.

I don't thrive in the job. Either I get tired and depressed or I get bored. Being outfield sucks, true, but that's a whole different world of suckiness from being stuck in an office with an absolute bitch who's using you for her own purposes. Selfish, self-centred, screwing up my life. Got into my RSM's bad books just cos she clashed with him. All fucked up. All because she needed to bitch about his assigning me for some course without her knowing first. All because she needs me in the office so she can fucking slack her arse off by taking MCs, going for 2-hour teabreaks, coming in late and leaving early. Fucking lazybum. Lots of the regulars are like that, sucky people. Of course you get a few good officers at the top and the NSFs slaving away, holding the fort but the centre's all rotten.

I guess it's just a clash of worldviews. I fundamentally don't believe in making people's lives miserable just because I can. I mean, what's the point? We're all trying to live our natural lifespan without dying first and trying to get as much brownie points and good karma as we can, while we're at it, right?

And people are human. Just scolding and nagging isn't going to do any good if you're constantly wearing down a person's self-esteem. Negative feedback is self-reinforcing; it generates a negative feedback loop. (In other words, if you get screwed every time you try, you're likely to give up.) On the other hand positive feedback is self-reinforcing too. 

And I look at the NSF officers; what's the difference between me and them? Nothing but 3 months more tekan, $300 more pay, and a whole different rank ladder. Crikey. And that makes a world of difference. There they are playing flash games on the internet, no one to kick their butts, while I'm running meaningless chores for a functionally-paralysed (from mouth down, typical NATO) superior with no manners. Well too bad I wasn't enthu enough to go to OCS though I tried. So now being stuck in the middle somehow gives me an excuse for mediocrity. Life famously works in mysterious ways.

I bet out there someone is trawling the internet for all kinds of shitty, angsty ramblings like this one. Thank God I'm from Bermuda!