well, make me.
i can't really bring myself to give a cold damn in hell about most of army life any more. just going with the flow. this is a kind of existence that can truly be described as 'squalid' (apologies to you adam). most days i'm flooded with a malaise that isn't particularly encouraging nor totally debilitating. what am i doing, doing what i do?
well yes i do think too much about these things. and yeah, since young i've always seen ns as just 2 years to get through - thanks in part to my parents' views.
yes, i know i could have pushed myself to do many more things. maybe even do better than sispec. but why? at the time it didn't seem worth it. at the time i was in deep emotional flux. i still am. and it still doesn't seem worth it. the calculations don't add up. if i was brought up to believe that ns wouldn't be a waste of time, if circumstances were different, if i had less emotional baggage to lug around besides a sickening field pack, LBV and weapon, maybe i could have hit something more meaningful than bslc.
lots of the time i'm thinking about falling out of training. mind exaggerating little jolts of pain, or the extent of physical exertion. (doesn't help that lots of my good friends are slacking off randomly around the place, living a real life.) and these thoughts don't help me get by, i know; they're unproductive, and they certainly prevent me from doing my best - which is something that i ultimately do want. i hate this. it's a personal weakness.
i'm not a strong person, and that is true in many different aspects. and i do have an overriding sense of my own inadequacies that perhaps doesn't fully do me justice; maybe it's an inferiority complex, maybe i just know all too well that there are so many other people out there who are better than me in so many different ways. and i know that handicaps me too, to some degree. i could well have stepped out and provided some direction, some positive energy in the platoon, in my section, but heck! why bother? why me?
and that's part of why i can only see these 22 months as a barrier between me and my life, my dreams; not something to take pride in and do my best in just like anything else. maybe because army drives you so close to your emotional, mental, psychological limits, it exposes them so brutally to you, if only you have eyes to see. and i think i see, only too well.
well yes i do think too much about these things. and yeah, since young i've always seen ns as just 2 years to get through - thanks in part to my parents' views.
yes, i know i could have pushed myself to do many more things. maybe even do better than sispec. but why? at the time it didn't seem worth it. at the time i was in deep emotional flux. i still am. and it still doesn't seem worth it. the calculations don't add up. if i was brought up to believe that ns wouldn't be a waste of time, if circumstances were different, if i had less emotional baggage to lug around besides a sickening field pack, LBV and weapon, maybe i could have hit something more meaningful than bslc.
lots of the time i'm thinking about falling out of training. mind exaggerating little jolts of pain, or the extent of physical exertion. (doesn't help that lots of my good friends are slacking off randomly around the place, living a real life.) and these thoughts don't help me get by, i know; they're unproductive, and they certainly prevent me from doing my best - which is something that i ultimately do want. i hate this. it's a personal weakness.
i'm not a strong person, and that is true in many different aspects. and i do have an overriding sense of my own inadequacies that perhaps doesn't fully do me justice; maybe it's an inferiority complex, maybe i just know all too well that there are so many other people out there who are better than me in so many different ways. and i know that handicaps me too, to some degree. i could well have stepped out and provided some direction, some positive energy in the platoon, in my section, but heck! why bother? why me?
and that's part of why i can only see these 22 months as a barrier between me and my life, my dreams; not something to take pride in and do my best in just like anything else. maybe because army drives you so close to your emotional, mental, psychological limits, it exposes them so brutally to you, if only you have eyes to see. and i think i see, only too well.
I am a sick man... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased.
- Notes from Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Labels: Life
posted by Unknown at
6:01 pm
3 Comments:
O Freunde, nicht diese Töne!
oh no! there are so many of my friends who could have quoted that at me; which one are you? heh
fantastic quote =P
B9@2010!
We'd be able to
Sondern laßt uns angenehmere
anstimmen und freudenvollere.
after release from national slavery
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