oh no/bslc wk 5

humphrey lyttelton, legendary jazz trumpeter and bbc broadcaster, died apr 25th 2008. i'm sorry i haven't a clue will never be the same again, if it ever returns to air. where will i get my comedy fix now?

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hrm. last week was exciting, in a warped sense. field camp 1 (tues-thurs) and gypsy 2 (fri). field camp was slack only cos our instructor was slack; other groups had a brief glimpse of hell.

as for gypsy, it's a navigation exercise where you have to find 3 trees with signs nailed onto them (2 in the day, 1 at night). i had bad luck with my group, partly cos my group was made up of 3 slacker blur kings and 2 well-meaning but clueless bobos (one of which was me). among other things, one of my group members lost my protractor in the bunk while chatting with his girlfriend - less than 5 minutes after it was handed him; i was deserted by my group, who expected me to find the second checkpoint on my own; and we got handed the most impossible night checkpoint.

hint to future bslc trainees (or for that matter, officer cadets - i believe our checkpoints are usually within 10m of each other): checkpoint iris is the worst news ever. give up. you probably have to fall through a time-space dimensional warp to find it. we had to find it at night - this meant going through a swamp (knee deep in mud; i fell over 3 times cos of the bloody heavy signal set) and radioing HQ about a billion times asking for help. we eventually found a sign that said IRIS, only it also said SAF Medical Corps and "where the fuck is sispec?" in handwritten marker. you get the idea. it's impossible terrain, and it's in a part of the map with absolutely no helping features (contours, tracks, reservoir shores), only a sickening green shading which means secondary forest and says pack it in suckers.

other hints: if you're handed anything on or near the shore of lower pierce, you're made. go by the canal, turn right and find EXIT. EXIT, GEAR and HARE are a walk in the park; i believe you can find EPIC, WINE and YEW there too but i'm not too sure on that. you might find other checkpoints if you turn left, but again i didn't go there so i'm not sure.

well well. so much for that. it's quite rewarding if you do manage to find the checkpoints; it sucks to hell and back if you can't. if anyone ever finds IRIS at night... that's some major feat.

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went for the nus law interview and essay test. the interview was... quite an experience. questions coming like machine-gun fire. i got grilled every way possible, i think. questions ranged from why i wanted to do law to coase theorem (cos i indicated interest in law & econs) to how to put a price on the life of an orang utan to the role of parliament and how law is derived... all that in i think 15 mins. the essay test was a walk in the park though. quite fun too, teasing out all the possible angles you could look at the case material. it's like a complicated piece of origami that you have to nurture and massage to shape and create.

well well. sic transit bookout.

bslc wk 4/other thoughts

this is not going to be an interesting post. it's an exploration of the thoughts that have been wreaking havoc on my poor numb mind over the last few weeks. no doubt they'll continue their rampage. c'est la vie.

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nothing really much that i can say, can i? had a navigation exercise this week which involved running about a random part of singapore (gypsy 1), IPPT on wednesday where i got silver for the first time (ran 9:40 and just 1 pullup and 4cm short of a gold! maintain plz)

booked out for 2 interviews, EDB final round on tues and URA final on wed. both slightly intimidating... especially the edb. i got grilled by 5 people on all kinds of stuff. business models, why i didn't apply to cambridge, how edb can help singaporean enterprise, ns... ura was tame by comparison. they didn't even ask me very much... it took just over 15 minutes and i crapped my way thru, basically. heh. stuff about how econs is really relevant to what ura is doing, applying economic theory to urban planning...

as i see it, the problem with edb is that it's a victim of its own success. true, it's been incredibly successful at attracting foreign investment, but the downside is that the labour and capital that could have been put to other uses - i.e. developing local enterprise - was instead diverted into MNCs (at least in the early years). basically what we've been doing for the most part is importing business models from MNCs (by getting them to set up their operations here) rather than creating and refining our own - and that in particular has damaged singaporeans' capacity to innovate, appetite for risk, and entrepreneurship. all these things - entrepreneurship, innovation - are vital drivers of self-sustaining economic growth... cf schumpeter's idea of creative destruction. unfortunately i wasn't able to explain this coherently enough to the edb panel; they didn't buy it, i guess. oh well, screwit heh.

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army is pretty much sian. my bunk and platoon mates are mostly ok, except for some smokers, jokers and idiots. childish behaviour, coughing and sneezing everywhere, gratuitous swearing - their vocabulary is disgustingly limited! it's either 'fuck' or 'chee bai' or a combination of the two. and i despise swearing for no reason. absolutely, vehemently detest it with every fibre in my body, every firing neuron in my brain, every ounce of my guts and every bit of my soul.

well aside from that i'm not debilitatingly (is there such a word?) depressed as often as i was in BMT, but most - scratch that; all - of my best friends are elsewhere, either in ocs or slacking their butts off in a random office job or waiting to downgrade. i do still feel so unmotivated that i lose the energy to do anything at all, but it's still controllable, not like in BMT.

and i've realised, most importantly, that doing your best is simply not equivalent to being the best. deceptively simple, almost self-evident, but it's not easy to understand that fully, and it's something i've missed it all my life. i used to think that if i couldn't be the best then it wasn't worth putting in the effort. that's simply not true; that only leaves room for greater and deeper regrets, room for more what-ifs. those what-ifs do come back to haunt me - what if i pushed myself harder physically? might have gotten into ocs there with the rest of the lot... being in sispec is still a matter of some regret but i'm living on despite it.

that realisation, the hugely life-affirming friendships that i enjoy, and of course the promise of post-ns life, uni and all it offers... these things keep me going.

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well ok my weekend was much more exciting than the past week. traipsing around the place on saturday afternoon, found a second-hand bookstore (4th floor, far east plaza) and got against the day by pynchon, a book by some latin american novelist whose name now escapes me, and zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance by prisig. promising reading. cool stuff for 31 bucks; the pynchon alone would have cost me more brand new - it's hardcover, first edition! if you're a bibliophile, go there to pick up stuff. i think he restocks sth like every 10th of the month - good thinking zh for asking about that!

i should get a restraining order banning me from all bookshops. it's crazy; i have stacks of books that are unread or only partially read... i'm slightly ashamed of myself. no time, no energy, no patience to get through them. 2 pynchons, one of them over a thousand pages long. suite francaise, of which i've only read the first 16 chapters. love in the time of cholera, of which i've finished 2/3 but have lost the plot (therefore necessitating a re-read). same goes for on the road. yes of course there's watchman! and there are many more i've forgotten. shite.

oh yes; chalet and cycling with cousins today. haven't cycled for years and years, insanely long, but surprisingly after a couple of ultra-malu false starts i survived just fine. adrenaline rush from speeding too. there's something about cycling... some je ne sais quoi. the wind in your hair (if you happen to have hair), blood gushing to your limbs and extremities kind of feeling.

well well. wish i could get into a slack 8-5 vocation in army... hopefully it's mdc after bslc. just hopefully.

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posting lyrics is a habit i should get rid of; it smacks of desperation and trying to find something to stuff in. on the other hand these things do have a knack of capturing just about what i want to say. and this is a song which struck me very much when i first heard it, and continues to do so even now. it's something slightly magical. and it's certainly not just about barcelona! so here goes:

Barcelona

I had this perfect dream
Un sueño me envolvió
This dream was me and you
Tal vez estás aquí
I want all the world to see
Un instinto me guiaba
A miracle sensation
My guide and inspiration
Now my dream is slowly coming true

The wind is a gentle breeze
Él me hablo de ti
The bells are ringing out
El canto vuela
They're calling us together
Guiding us forever
Wish my dream would never go away

Barcelona: It was the first time that we met
Barcelona: How can I forget
The moment that you stepped into the room you took my breath away
Barcelona: La música vibró
Barcelona: Y ella nos unió
And God willing we will meet again, someday.

Let the songs begin
Déjalo nacer
Let the music play
ahh-
Make the voices sing
Nace un gran amor
Start the celebration
Ven a mí
And cry- Grita-
Come alive- Vive-
And shake the foundations from the skies
Ah, ah, shaking all our lives -

Barcelona: Such a beautiful horizon
Barcelona: Like a jewel in the sun
Por ti seré gaviota de tu bella mar
Barcelona: Suenan las campanas
Barcelona: Abre tus puertas al mundo
If God is willing
If God is willing
If God is willing
Friends until the end
Viva - Barcelona!

- Queen/Freddie Mercury

bslc wk 3

this post will be really short cos the sweet bastards have taken away my saturday morning and half of the afternoon by doing sports day AND want me to book in by 2330 hrs for guard duty tmrw. dear juniors this will be your lot when your time comes. all the best kiddos!

i'm a bit cranky cos of lack of sleep... 3 or 4 hours max each night. it's decent, but not for someone like me. i really, really need my sleep to function properly; right now i'm like a live wire and my brain is contorting itself into all kinds of weird positions. lack of sleep = mental yoga.

there was a special day this week; it was a palindromic date, the only time in my life this will ever happen (unless i live to the ripe wizened old age of 119!) - 08/04/08. i burnt it on firing at the range - lots of it was completely wasted waiting for my turn to fire, although of course triggering off live rounds IS rather cool. it is sobering, though, to think that you're actually learning to kill - to take away a human life, a sacred thing, a thing of beauty and awesome wonder no matter which way you look at it. (go do some meditation for a little while)

anyway. when i got back from live firing (at 1am on the 9th, get this!) i found a total of 11 messages sitting on my shitty lao pok old phone. really pleasant surprise =D thank you so much, dear friends, for all your birthday wishes, smses, facebook thingies and miscellany. i hope i remembered to reply to all of your messages, forgive me if i've omitted you. it's been a busy week, live firing, operations training and all. thanks for reminding me that there's life and love outside my bunk. and thanks for remembering me; i've lost track of how many birthdays i've forgotten already.

yes, really, thanks for remembering me. i have an inferiority complex inversely proportionate to the size of my ego, and your messages really do save me from myself. i'm my worst enemy - if you've ever read Notes from Underground by dostoevsky you'll know just how i feel some days.

[and for those who forgot/didn't know, don't worry, i know exactly how you feel. when it comes to forgetting birthdays i'm the biggest culprit and the most guilty. ugh.]

you don't know this, but everytime i book out i type out every single message i send and receive, just in case my phone runs out of space, and so that i can relive the warm fuzzy feeling that friends create for each other. yet at the same time i'm neglecting a lot of good friendships, i know there're some that are withering, growing strained and distant. and some are friendships that i value a lot. i need time, good quality time. damn damn damnit.

i can't think any more, i've got to go in an hour's time and i'm crazily sleepy. my brain is whirling like turkish dervishes. listening to the beatles isn't helping either, and i'm forgetting the things i wanted to say.

sigh. end here, rayner.

new link/weekend

advertising a new site/blog thing that i just found: Things We Heard (or Said). it's a page dedicated to insanely embarassing, weird, quirky and fun quotes from random people. damn wtflol.

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went traipsing around the place with zh yesterday; we started at borders, went to anatolia (cool turkish restaurant in far east plaza; their portions are decent but the tomato sauce just gets your appetite whirring. and lamb is one of my favourites, when i can get it) dropped by isetan's liquor section (where the guy there, on hearing that i wanted creme de cassis to make kir, kindly advised me to forget it and buy a bottle of ribena instead), went back to borders but didn't find anything exciting, mrted down to vivocity to page one, bought two books and then mrted back up to serangoon for adam's pre-BMT bash. as for today, i went to gramophone at parkway and picked up 2 cds. nothing really exciting or droolworthy.

i should have a restraining order preventing me from entering bookshops or cd stores; think i spend about $80-100 a month on going out and the same amount on books and cds each month. this month is worse, it's only the 6th and i've gone out and bought Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky, Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby, Poulenc's complete chamber music and a cd of Sibelius' and Nielsen's violin concertos. Sure they're all good books and cool music but i certainly wouldn't die without them. and considering i'll be moving to the US next year... i should stop adding to my collection, or at least grow it at a slower rate. sure it's better than blowing money on drinks, expensive food and movies, but still... those-poulenc-recordings-are-pretty-good-especially-the-sextet-and-i've-never-heard-the-nielsen-violin-concerto-before-and-maxim-vengerov's-sibelius-is-probably-worth-a-listen-and-both-those-books-are-really-highly-recommended-and-i've-never-seen-an-edition-of-suite-francaise-under-40-bucks!

lol pathetic excuses for splurging.

and i got a borders card from my brother so there's more to come =) at least it's not going to bleed my bank account.

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i should really plug page one, at vivocity. it's got a good collection of literature, far better than borders or possibly kino imo (at least for its size). borders has lots of mainstream pulp fiction on its shelves; page one's collection is about the same size but much better quality. most of the authors i look out for are very well-represented - at least 10 of graham greene's immense oeuvre, all 4 of stephen fry's novels, lots of thomas pynchon - except they didn't have the edition of gravity's rainbow that i wanted - the series with the funky cover of which i already have V (haha yup i'm anal about that kinda stuff).

what i especially like is that they don't just stock famous authors' magna opera, like it's not just burgess' a clockwork orange, but they had the malayan trilogy and earthly powers too. nearly all the books are shrink-wrapped so there're some browsing copies but you can pick up brand-new undamaged ones, unlike at borders where some of the books are in quite a shocking condition.

saw some novels by an author i'd never heard of before, jose saramago. portuguese, translated. the first few pages of blindness were a fascinating read; it's not a stream of consciousness, it's a compelling quicksand that sucks you in. fascinatingly disorientating. should get into that and his other books when i have more time. i have an insane backlog of unread books though... better stop buying and start reading. my new bookcase is full already -.- crap.

i really need that walk-in bookcase. ;P

some kinda life review

i'm pretty much drunk and damn thirsty now. just came back from adam's pre-bmt bash. old pal, take care.

bslc wk 2 now. 2 out of 8. can't talk about training, obviously. some lessons, some practicals, tests (!), a bit of outfield stuff that i missed cos of interviews. lots of interviews thankfully - that means lots of bookouts! food is decent, bunkmates are pretty friendly and easygoing, most of the sergeants aren't the bastard sort... life isn't that bad.

this last month has been one of extreme ups and downs. A level results to be proud of, end of bmt, block leave, then posting... my father's passing... meeting my brother and many of my relatives for the first time in years, and especially getting to know him better... if i didn't have those ups over the last month i'd probably have lost the will to live; i can't say it's been a good month, it's been a hell of a roller-coaster ride.

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but right now i can say i'm pretty much satisfied with my life, the direction it's going, the people i spend my time with, and the future and all it holds for me. especially now.

i'm talking about the US university applications. i got rejected by chicago, princeton and columbia, which was rather sad news and i'm rather disappointed. BUT i've been accepted into Yale University, on full financial aid. that means my family won't need to pay anything for my four years there. it's a wonderful thing, a dream come true, a small miracle. it means that money isn't much of an issue anymore, and of course it means my worries are over (till i get a job anyway).

the future looks open, bright, promising; i can do just about anything i like... i'm dreaming of a double econs/music major and stuff like that, or even PPE/music if i can handle it. crazy dreams, but who'd have even thought that getting a place in a uni like that was possible for me? even till the end of my j1 year i refused to take SATs; thought it'd waste my time and all that. thank goodness i did take them, and did well enough to be considered. this is all almost a dream. amazing amazing shit.

now of course, a few hopes: getting through NS, taking my place in yale, getting there safely and settling in; and in the longer term, paying it back to the university and to society at large, here and overseas... i'll repay the confidence that the uni and all of you friends have put into me. and certainly i know this: papa, i'll make you proud.

i'll make you proud, i will.