Tuesday, October 28, 2008

a birthday.

My dad would've been 72 today. My family wasn't big on birthdays, but we had our rituals. The other two of us would try to find a present, usually some clothes for my dad. We'd have lunch at Jack's (always Jack's, always 3 steaks) usually the weekend before. On the day itself things mostly happened in the evening; we'd have some special dinner, and cake, invariably from savoury fare. We'd sing happy birthday and blow out the candles. Kinda nostalgic thinking about it.

Birthdays don't happen like that any more. In my family of (now) two there's the weight of eighteen years of memories of times when we were three. I wish my mom didn't remind me (although I did remember) about today. But I guess it's difficult to say, between her clinging on to every memory, and my slow spreading numbness, which is a more valid way of getting on with life. Now that it's come painfully to the fore though, I miss my dad being around.

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Friday, October 24, 2008

blood donation

I was persuaded to donate blood for the first time by 3 of my colleagues today, in camp. Quite a good deal - get out of work for a couple of hours, what's the harm I thought. So we were laughing about all the people who refused to come along - aiyah scared of needles lah... must be too much unsafe sex... he needs to wait 3 months more to test for HIV...

Yeah it was pretty cool stuff all the way. First there was a medical questionaire and blood pressure and hemoglobin checks, then they sat us on 4 deckchair-like thingies. The nurse rubbed a hell lot of alcohol or something on my arm for a pretty long time, then injected a local anesthetic, and then the biggie came along (eh look at the needle! why, you scared ah?) Yeah, it wasn't really scary, just kinda stomach churning, scrotum-tightening, if you know what I mean.

And then we chatted, and then slowly the chatter died out. And then my left hand started growing really cold (as the nurse commented), and then everyone was done when I was only 2/3 of the way through. And then the world started turning sparkly bright florescent yellow (eh don't look so stress leh...) and then all the voices flattened into a monotone (whoa he looks damn pale) and I blacked out for maybe a second or so.

I'm dimly conscious of them pulling out the needle, wrapping up my arm real fast, and adjusting the deckchair - putting my head down and my legs up. Took me a couple of minutes to get back to normal seeing and hearing. Long time more before everything felt normal again.

Not going back again in a hurry. I've gotta replenish my blood (and my ego!)

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Sunday, October 19, 2008

fundamental realisation/cooking

I've come to a fundamental realisation on the nature of this blog. It consists of two main kinds of posts:

  1. Short enigmatic or funny thought.
  2. Long discursive ramble/rant.

or series (pl.) of (1) strung together.

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Being home alone, I tried cooking yesterday. Chicken piccata. Basically chicken breasts coated in flour pan-fried in butter & olive oil. It's actually pretty easy, I think, but being a noob I forgot to check the ingredients list. ><

So I needed flour, salt, pepper and grated parmesan for the coating. I didn't have parmesan, so for a different taste I decided to try Montreal steak seasoning (cos it's got salt & pepper in it, what's the harm?) and Cajun seasoning (again, what's the harm?).

And after I'd coated the chicken I had to fry it in butter and olive oil but I only had margarine (and melted margarine does NOT taste remotely like butter). Alright, fuck the butter, I thought.

The frying went relatively incident-free except I didn't add enough oil first time and had to top up (carefully, in case it spattered over my hand). Took the chicken pieces off the pan to start on the sauce. Realised I didn't have chicken stock or white wine, had to make do with half a chicken cube ^^ Then added too little flour to too much fake stock and the sauce got lumpy. Then added too much lemon. Then decided to add milk to sub for the butter. Then the milk powder got lumpy. Then the whole thing was too freaking salty and too freaking sour and too freaking lumpy. 

And then after the whole thing was done I realised I hadn't cooked the pasta. Live and learn...

You guys out there must be sniggering.

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Hot Fuzz

Yeah I watched Hot Fuzz last night. Wow. (Thx peck for the recommendation haha.) Some crazy cop-action-comedy movie - not a porno flick (bad jokes!) Simon Pegg did the impossible, man... A sympathetic portrayal of a dedicated police officer. Takes some doing. To think he could make me respect the fuzz... Ann Liang would be proud lmao

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Monday, October 13, 2008

brahmsrave

I've been listening to it again, and it struck me how elegant the d-minor brahms piano concerto is. I'd never heard the first and second movements properly but I've always loved the third, with that bold furious statement of intent from the piano and the exhilarating scales and arpeggios. And now that my technique is approaching the point where I can finally dream of playing stuff like that (I flatter myself, but still!) it seemed worth a re-listen. Yes it's early brahms but it's already brahms the master, not a note out of place, everything calculated, everything in shape, in time, fitting together like some infinite jigsaw, yet spreading out inexorably in space and time... Everything so inevitable, as though the F was designed to fall into the E, to be swallowed up by D... as though the laws of the universe decreed it.

shuttup now rayner. shuttup.

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

this wkend

homg i watched v for vendetta and it was quite cool. Also downloaded some series of Yes Prime Minister... good stuff.

I have a new comp! This wasn't intended; my motherboard's been unreliable (I've finally pinned down the comp troubles of the last one year to the motherboard) and I only intended to get a new motherboard and casing, cannibalise the rest of the parts from my old comp. Turned out that the new motherboard I got needed new RAM chips, a new processor, new graphics card, new DVD drive... I even ended up getting a new floppy disk drive to colour-coordinate ^^ so now I basically have 2 comps. One's a bit older and crankier, and I think it has the techie equivalent of a menstrual cycle. But still, I'm not complaining. It's faster than I'll probably ever need.

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

jbj and how singapore is generally screwed.

I saw the Economist had an article on JBJ in their latest issue (the obits section), so immediately dashed to buy a copy. 12 freaking bucks. Well worth it, but still painful, painful. (More painful in the context of buying a whole new comp but that's another post for another day!)

I also couldn't resist posting a comment. I must say, not having to grovel for a govt scholarship is a highly liberating feeling, I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone. (If I have to grovel for a govt job later in life these words will come back to haunt me muhaha!) And here it is:

Unfortunately, as many people (both Singaporeans and foreigners) fail to appreciate fully, Singaporeans live in an incestuous compact between the state, the media, and the people. Here, democratic sensibilities are subordinated to considerations of material well-being, and economic advancement is regarded (not unfairly) as the best route to success. Singaporean voters merely elect whoever delivers the economic goods, and so far, the PAP hasn't slipped up.

The media establishment is staffed by former civil servants and government figures (including a former deputy prime minister) who naturally have an interest in the larger status quo. What observers may see as complicity is simply their self-interest coinciding with that of those in power. The liberty of the Singaporean press is not compromised; rather, the natural tendency to liberty has been extinguished.

Singapore's unique problem is that everything has been done by the book, but in such a fortuitous way as to favour the governing elite. They've developed a vested interest in the status quo, in satisfying the population with economic and material well-being. At the same time they've quietly reduced the space for social, political and intellectual debate, in the name of stability and prosperity. And Singaporeans have been understandably acquiescent. This is going to continue as long as the incestuous compact works; once Singapore sinks this will probably break down. Unfortunately it will take nothing less than total systemic failure for Singaporeans to wake up.

Singapore needs more brave souls like JBJ, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess he'll be remembered as the heretic who preached democracy and rights while the rest of us were eating out of the PAP's hand. As for Lee Kuan Yew, he's a brilliant man, but nonetheless only human, and the demise of one of his fiercest political opponents should remind him that his time is drawing to an end, too.

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I must say I'm not in support of the opposition. Au contraire, I'm deeply apolitical, and that does not mean apathetic. The opposition is largely incoherent, and JBJ was about as good as it ever got. They don't seem to realise the fundamental realities of Singapore, the PAP-created fundamental realities.

Standing for your democratic principles is all very well and good, but when principles cost dearly then (for most Singaporeans, at least) it pays to abrogate them. Not that that's a good thing; far from it. I really must thank my lucky stars that I haven't needed to do that yet.

I'm afraid it'll take nothing less than catastrophic collapse for Singaporeans to realise that relying on the PAP is wholly inadequate, and for the PAP to realise that its self-interest is not the same as Singapore's self-interest. Like every other entity, the PAP's self-interest is self-preservation, first and foremost; political survival. And by co-opting the best and brightest of Singapore into the party or its patronage, through its extensive and (as I characterise it) incestuous links with the private sector, civil service, military, academia and media, the PAP has inadvertently reduced the space for independent views to be heard. This is its self-preservation at the expense of Singapore's. In the long run, the lack of a marketplace of ideas will only be to Singapore's detriment. Voters don't realise this because the cost of working this out for themselves (in terms of time and effort) would likely outweight the satisfaction thus derived (in other words, they don't give a flip), and also because the discount rate on potential future failure is high (in other words, they don't know what they're potentially in for).

Why do I care? I care because I was perilously close to being bonded to the civil service, where the reality of intellectually sleeping with the enemy would be all too apparent. I care because many of my friends are perilously close to having a vested interest in the system, and I want them to know that it isn't all a bed of roses. And I perversely care because after 19 years of living in this place one can't help but feel some kind of empathy, of one-ness with Singapore, even though one wishes things were better.

I really, really like that phrase "incestuous compact". xP

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

i'm bored stiff

I'm sick of my job. I never thought I'd say this, but I think life chionging about outside could possibly be better. More exciting, obviously. Sure, there'd be no time, but that'll make time pass faster.

And too much of a good thing makes it bad. In the economic sense I would say that at this level of free time I actually face strongly negative marginal returns to life. If I could die for short periods that'll be nice; I suppose this kinda thinking is why people do LSD and magic shrooms. xP

Friends? My friends are in uni, stuck in army, or mugging for A levels. Pathetic, ain't it? I'm going out for a concert on my own on Monday; restrain your tears. It's this kind of thing that makes people dangerously unhinged.

I wish I could go to uni now. I mean last month. People are off in cool places doing happy things. I want to start Directed Suicide (although I mightn't make it in heh). I want to be discussing The Republic and finding out what's wrong with this republic. I want to learn German, so that I can sound rude legitimately.

Most of all, I want to live outside my tempered glass aquarium, get back out into the wide open sea, stretch my fins and swim.

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

blue planet

I spotted this just a while ago while talking to Daniel on msn (who's not much more responsive than a teabag): the Economist's Global Electoral College. It's basically an online poll with an extension of America's antediluvian electoral college system. China has 1900 votes, Kiribati has 3.

Haha looks like you'd have to go to Macedonia or Andorra (here's my challenge: find Andorra!) to find a country that votes McCain. True, the Economist's readers are probably more likely to be liberal, and therefore more likely to vote Obama. But since no one else is trying, I guess for all intents and purposes the world is an Obama world. xP

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